Dealing with Disappointment

by Guidance Counselor Gabe Hart

If someone were to ask me for the definition of the word “disappointment,” I could probably tell several stories that would get the point across or I could describe a certain set of feelings that would deliver the message, but the technical definition would always escape me.

We all have our stories and feelings of what disappointment has been over the years, and many of those stories would probably fall during adolescence, that time in our life when we were trying to figure out where we fit and with whom. I have quite a few of those stories that I can look back on now and laugh, forgetting just how sobering some of those experiences were when I was going through them. The fact is that disappointment will always be a part of our lives, but how we handle that disappointment and how we teach our children to handle it is what is important.

As students transition from Lower School to Middle School, they begin a new stage in their lives. Many times this stage can have its fair share of disappointment. Usually, in elementary school everyone is a part of the collective group. I can remember staying up the night before Valentine’s Day in the third grade helping my mom make sure I had a Valentine to give to everyone at the party, no matter if I thought they deserved one or not…no one was going to be left out.

This mind set changes a bit in Middle School. There are tryouts for sports’ teams and plays. There are honors classes and even as students grow up and move into high school, there are AP classes. As a basketball coach, making cuts is the hardest part of the job, but at the same time it is a necessary evil. Disappointment is bound to find the student who does not make the team, or does not get the role in the play that he or she wants, or does not get the grade on the test that his or her friend receives.

The question becomes, then, not if disappointment will show its face, but when and, even more importantly, how will we, as adults, help our students and children handle disappointment?
Our disappointment usually lies in one of three areas: circumstances, other people, or ourselves. I believe that our disappointment in our circumstances and in other people can be the most frustrating to deal with because, many times, the decisions that are made are out of our control. Before I came to USJ, I interviewed at another school and did not get the job. I was extremely disappointed and also frustrated, but after my interview, the situation was out of my hands. I ended up being disappointed in the circumstance and frustrated that I could not do anything about it.

However, I have also found that through our disappointment in circumstances or other people, if we respond the right way, we can look back a few years later and see the how that disappointment has been turned into a positive situation. If the school I originally interviewed with had hired me, I would have never had the opportunity to work at USJ. I can look back now and honestly say that I am glad I did not get the job.

The way we handle disappointment as adults is vital to the social development of our students. Good character is easy to practice if things are going well, but when disappointment comes our way, sometimes our good character is nowhere to be found. Our students see that and they learn from that and over time, they will adopt certain behaviors as their own. Here are some positive ways to teach your children how to handle disappointment:

• Try not to blame anyone else for your disappointment.
• Try not to let your feelings dictate your behavior.
• Try not to make excuses for why your expectations were not met.
• Be honest with yourself about why you are disappointed.
• If you are disappointed in someone else, let him know in a kind way.
• If you are disappointed in yourself, find out how you can improve.

In the end, disappointment will find all of us in one way or another. It is inevitable. Some disappointing situations will be out of our control, but the way we respond to those situations is always in our hands.

I finally looked up “disappointment” and it technically means, “a feeling that occurs when our expectations are not met.” Encourage your students to continue to set their expectations and goals high, but also teach them the right way to respond when those expectations are not met.